Withdrawal Struggles

When I started working, I knew no one in my department (my other friends were on different departments and different floors of the store). I kept to myself and barely talked. I didn’t see anyone who was really around my age, anyone who I was able to talk to freely and be able to relate.

Fast forward to this point in my work life, I’ve gotten more open and chatty. I’ve met many people, even those around my age, and made some pretty solid friendships I hope will never disappear. Thinking about the inevitable fact that I’d have to quit in 2-3 weeks’ time makes me horribly sad. I’m definitely going to miss everyone I’ve met at work, especially two people. I never expected to become this close to my colleagues-turned-friends, and thinking about never seeing them pains me. Sure, maybe I’ll be able to meet up with them on some occasions, but the fact that I won’t see them as often as I do now kills me. They made me look forward to working, and they made me realise many, many things along the way too.

I know I still have a couple of weeks before I call quits and focus on school, but I’m already starting to have withdrawals. It’s inevitable, really it is, and my track record for keeping in touch with ‘long-distance’ friendships is horrible. However, I really hope I’ll be able to maintain these two particular friendships. These two people are the ones I’d cross oceans for, even if they don’t necessarily return the same favour.

Expressing my feelings and emotions aren’t really my forte, but I hope I’ll be able to let them know how much I’ll miss them and just hanging out with them. Heck, I’ll even pay for a night out of eating just to be able to cap off working with them for a night of talking and a ton of teasing about whoever and whatever.

Do I get attached easily? Definitely. But that’s because I know a good person when I see one, even despite their troubled past, present or future. They probably won’t see this, and it’s probably the best that they don’t, but I’ll miss them.

I’ll miss them so much.

Social Struggles

Friends— who exactly are they, and where do they stand in our lives? Personally, I only like to have 4-5 close friends whom I spill my secrets to. I find it unnecessarily hard to make friends, because I tend to look for those “long-term” ones; those who are able to talk about serious issues like politics to pointless topics like how expensive children’s shoes are. I long for friends who don’t indulge in small talks and give empty compliments. People who publicise how ‘great’ of a friendship they’re having isn’t exactly my definition of a friend. I long for those friends whom you can maintain a healthy friendship with, without having the need to talk or see them everyday. To my closest friends, to the ones who’ve seen my most candid moments, thank you. 

On that rare ocassion when I meet someone that I really want to pursue a friendship with, I will force myself out of my comfort zone to make sure I do everything in my power to keep them. This happened recently, with a co-worker. For the sake of anomity, I’ll refer to him as Eden. 

I met Eden a few weeks ago at work, and I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t the first person I genuinely made friends with at work. Eden’s a very smiley person— a jokester and a knack for teasing people. He’s a warm ball of sunshine and super friendly. He has a certain charisma about him that makes you just want to sit down and talk to him all day about anything and everything. He’s very easy to talk to because he’s super approachable, and he just has that fun, cheery vibe on him. He’s the kind I wouldn’t ever want to let go under any circumstances. 

However, we’ll be parting ways soon— quitting work to continue our respective paths on our education. I wish to keep in contact with him, but I’m unsure if he cares as much as I do. I admit I get very attached to people whom I feel are worth the effort of pursuing a friendship, even if we had just met. Eden just happens to fall into that category. Part of me says we’re just co-workers talking about whatever to pass time at work, but I know we’re already on a friendly level. I just don’t know if he’d want to be friends outside of work, you feel? I’m shy, and asking for his number may seem weird too, but I want a positive person like him in my life. Easier said than done, right? I hope on either of our last day at work (be it his or mine), I’ll be able to get him to take a picture together as a remembrance of the good times we had together at work.

Yeah, I’m a pretty sentimental person who takes pictures to try and preserve something so uncontainable, irreplicable. My point is, it’s hard for me to make friends because I tend to be choosey and picky with who I want to let pass my barrier of secrets. However, when I do find that person on an extremely rare ocassion, it would kill me if I meant nothing to them when they mean so much to me. It’s a constant struggle, because it takes two to tango. 

I don’t want to seem clingy and overly-attached with someone I barely know (which I actually am), but I want to be selfish and have them for myself. Do I still make sense? Probably not. Feelings like this are almost indescribable, but I hope you get the point, sort of. 

I want to clint onto people I care about, but I don’t want to scare them away. I want to hug them and never let them go. I long to have someone by my side, wandering around the city lights with them as we laugh at everything and nothing. 

I want people who are worth having friends without having to worry when I’ll see them again, or knowing I’ll never see them again.

I want people who reciprocrate the same mutual respect and understanding as a friend. 

Do I still make sense?